ARE YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR?

If anybody asks you this question, you may go angry or livid because it sounds so insulting. Why? You are never the type of person that would have an affair outside your relationship/marriage. Well, that is because you do not know what an emotional affair is.
Emotional affair does not involve sex. It happens to people who are in courtship or engaged or married but very fond of somebody else who is not their spouse but if care is not taken and brake applied, it can lead to full blown sexual affair.
Emotional affair does not only happen to people in bad, unhappy marriages. It can happen to happy couples, morally sound people and deeply spiritual individuals who love God with all their hearts and hate sin. It can even happen to great men and women of God. How then do they fall into emotional affair?
Emotional affair is not easy to detect at the beginning. It all starts as plain, platonic friendship with the opposite sex whom you exchange
ideas with and find admirable -that's all. The friend can be a colleague at work, a fellow worker at church, a course mate, the secretary to the boss at the office or the next door neighbour. They
are someone you find attractive and enjoy talking to. If you treat them like you treat any normal friends with no strings attatched, there is no
problem but if you are SECRETLY fond of them, there is a BIG PROBLEM.
Emotional affair starts rearing its ugly head if you are always eager to see them, anxious to hear from them and you feel sad if a day passes without getting in touch with them. It escalates when you begin sharing deep personal issues, especially
relational or marital problems and you find their words very soothing -it's like Valium, you can't sleep without it. It progresses when there is subtle flirty compliments (e.g. "Each time I see you, I always feel like hugging you and staying there forever" or
"Can I give you a peck please?"), sweet names calling and you never do anything to stop them infact, you love it and always look forward to hearing more from them. You idolize them while comparing them with your spouse who always
falls short. You see them as your comforter, healer and the only one who UNDERSTANDS you.
You begin to keep your conversations with them a secret from your spouse and deny every accusation of having any affair with them (since you are not having sex).
You have chemistry for them and always sexually charged when thinking about them or talking to them. Now, PULL A BREAK!!!
You are threading on a very dangerous path while consoling yourself that you are not having sex. Most people, especially good people, do not plan cheating or adultery, it "just" happened when all red flags are ignored.
Face the fact that your relationship or marriage is sick that is why you are attracted to someone else and fix the problem. If you do not deal with your relationship or marital issues, you will keep pursuing them and end up sleeping with them and that is the beginning of the end of your relationship or marriage.
Pull back from that person and avoid discussing anything personal with them henceforth.
Come clean to your spouse and let them know you are getting attracted to someone else and you need their help. (You don't need to give them the full detail of your attraction).
Stop all chats, be very polite with their calls or ignore their calls altogether if you get tempted to go back. Understand why you fell into emotional affair and take precautions lest you fall into another one. Know that you are human and it is very possible to feel attracted towards the opposite sex, just don't pursue your object of attraction. Set boundaries. Do not entertain ungodly relationships.
Have a full understanding of emotional affair and protect your heart from being tempted.
Remember the bible says: "Let he that thinketh he standeth, take heed, lest he fall." 1Cor 10:12. Take charge of your life, do not leave your relationships to chance.
*To promote Godliness and preserve families which is God's institution, share with all in your contact. You might be saving a Marriage or relationship from collapsing. This applies to married and single individuals both male and female. To tell you the truth this is how INFIDELITY starts...so be warned

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I attempted suicide but for the fear of rendering my children fatherless.

Hello,

It’s been two months since my wife left me but it seems like yesterday. My children, a beautiful daughter and a son, live with me with a living picture of their mother on their faces. Twice have I attempted suicide but for the fear of rendering my children fatherless.

Cynthia and I became lovers when she was in the university, we got so intimate that we decided to tie the knot in less than four months. Her father had asked me to allow her finish conclude her BSc, and acquire her MSc before we thinking of marrying each other. We insisted because of the love we had for each other. So her father and I struck a deal—I would assume the responsibility of footing the bills of her education up to MSc.

Cynthia is a brilliant lady.  After bagging her BSc from a private university, we both decided to secure a visa for her to go and study abroad. She went overseas after obtaining her National Youth Service Corps certificate. She’d call me, ask of the children and tell me not to worry. She was a caring mother, partner and wife.

Things started getting awry when she finished her educational programme. I sent her several messages telling her how the kids were faring without her. She stopped calling, texting spontaneously, and even asking of the children. I paid the bills, I worked and sent money from Nigeria. Cynthia works but I only discovered that four months ago. She doesn’t spend her own hard currency on her education, she waited for me to send her money. I sent her a WhatsApp message asking her to come back to Nigeria since she has finished schooling. Each time I reminded her of her duties as a mother, she would give me one excuse or the other. The children were already yearning for motherly presence. Our girl needs her at this point of her life.

One day, I called Cynthia in the middle of the night (Nigerian time) and a man answered the call. I requested to speak with Cynthia and the next thing I heard was honey someone needs to talk to you on phone. Cynthia took the phone and ended the call almost immediately. I called her back repeated but Cynthia refused to take my calls. I called her back the following day and she denied ever allowing a man answer her call. I was shocked but I kept my cool. Two weeks later, the man called me with Cynthia’s phone requesting to know who the hell I am because I had bombarded Cynthia’s phone with messages to the extent that the young man became irritated and aroused to ask questions. I told him I was Cynthia’s husband and the rest was a furious altercation between me and the young man. The young man called me a Nigerian scammer. He called me all sorts of names.

Cynthia didn’t call me again, she blocked my number after that day. Life was a living hell for me. I love Cynthia and I know I do.  I took my phone and called her two days later, my number couldn’t get through to her, I changed my phone number and called her. She answered the call without a word, and I started begging her to forgive me. Cynthia refused to forgive, so I reported the case to her parents. In fact, this was where the line was drawn. It was the end of the road for whatever Cynthia and I shared. She was a spoilt child growing up. So, with this western experience of hers, she couldn’t be stopped.

Two weeks ago, Cynthia sent me a message, asking me to move on with my life; take care of our children because she’s decided to marry her newly found lover—Richy .Please, what do I do? My life is in shambles. I need help. Save me, save my children from becoming fatherless.

Tobi.

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How to Break Out of Depression after Heartbreak

Merriam-Webster’s dictionary describes depression as a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies. In the same vein, heartbreak is defined as crushing grief, anguish, or distress. There is abundantly a feeling of inadequacy after serial heartbreaks. Heartbreak is a leading cause of depression. It’s a feeling of disappointment, insignificance, rejection and dejection. It’s like mourning oneself. After building hopes and aspirations, after sharing lifetime goals with a partner with hopes that he/she will be in the bigger picture, all of a sudden, everything you shared is now a dime’s worth of energy and time. Looking back, you regret ever meeting the heartbreaker.

This article presents simple ways of break out of depression:

1.    Break up with yourself.

Yes, I know you must be wondering by now. Breaking up with yourself is the simplest way of getting healed. At this point, after a serious heartbreak, you’ve sunk into self-pity, you’re writing your regrets on pieces of paper whether in your mind or physically, you’ve seen yourself as a mistake. Yes! Blame it on yourself. It is part of the healing process. After blaming it on yourself, move on from yourself. Remove pity. Do not pity yourself. Break out and break away from yourself and re-engage in those things that give you joy. Be careful, you’re not doing this to further put yourself in danger. Let me quickly note that at this point, some people resort to smoking, drinking, having reckless sex, excessive clubbing and unrestrained spending. No, it is a time of assessment. Evaluate yourself. Yes, you can have fun but you don’t want to overdo it, do you? After all, the greatest revenge in life is success. You want to succeed, don’t you? Therefore, you do not want to be a good boy/girl turned bad. It’s not the end of your life.

2.    Don’t stay alone

This has been overemphasized by several psychologists. Staying in isolation is dangerous at this time. Remember, you have just broken up with yourself. It is important that you mingle with others. This will make you forget about a whole lot of things. People draw energy from people, therefore, you can draw energy from positive people. These days it is called networking. When you network, you share business contacts, ideas, knowledge and wise counsel. Please, be careful not to follow the counsel of one who has been through heartbreaks and hasn’t been healed, he/she is likely to advise you negatively.

3.    Meet people who appreciate you

This is not to say you should go all around the world seeking validation, no. First of all, you know you’re unique. You may not be tall, beautiful, handsome or rich, but there’s something unique about you. That quality of uniqueness, someone needs it. Someone out there needs a unique character that you possess. I remember, being a short man, my ex was five feet and ten inches tall, when she broke up with me and went on to date taller men, I felt inadequate. She didn’t break up with me because of my height, I later realized. She broke up with me because her mother didn’t like a man from another tribe. Nonetheless, after her, I met several better ladies who appreciated me the way I am because of my uniqueness.

4.    Kill your flashbacks and past imaginations

This is certainly a broad topic, I will write an article on how to kill ugly flashbacks and imaginations based on popular demand by my readers. However, I will touch on it. Flashbacks and imaginations creep into the mind after every heartbreak. In fact, they are the direct reasons people contemplate suicide. Sometimes, they don’t even leave your mind. Therefore, you must kill them. One of the fastest ways I discovered is killing imaginations with imaginations and killing flashbacks with flashbacks. If you could imagine how he or she could be so sweet, you could also imagine that moment he or she was a beast. Everyone has a bad part. If you may want to flashback to that point where he brought a new woman home, where he slapped you because of her; where she pulled over to show you her new boyfriend and they drove past, splashing dirty water on you; you can also remember that man/lady would made you feel special.

5.    Start afresh

Don’t be too scared to start afresh. This is where a lot of people get it wrong. Heartbreak shouldn’t stop you from loving. Make that mistake but make it count. Start afresh, meet new people. Don’t stay away from the art of finding love for a long time, you don’t want look like a novice, do you? I bet you don’t. Therefore, starting afresh avails you the opportunity to meet more people, know how they think and be well informed and acquainted with the necessary skills to handle a promising relationship that will lead to marriage.

Moses Okere

©2018.

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